So I’m up to session four with this guru, and there hasn’t been a single instance of him telling me to release my anger. No incense, no harpsichord music, and not even a hint that we’ll end up sitting cross-legged at some point. I don’t have a shred of trust in psychologists, which I why I decided to give this guru a go. But he’s so…normal. He’s clearly wearing mixed fibres as well. I mean, there are worse things than jeans and a polo shirt. He could’ve been wearing a suit. Shudder. And he doesn’t wear shoes, so that’s at least one good thing.

Session four was all about my irascible and tempestuous desire to destroy tennis netting. Though it’s not restricted to tennis; that’s just what I play on Saturdays. Or, rather…I used to play. The club kicked me out after one of my fits of rage caused me to tear the netting into pieces and then start biting through the links. It’s true…I do need to let up on the sports netting. I just get so angry when I lose, which is a lot because I’m terrible. I have just enough restraint to not take it out on my partner- who is an idiot- or my opponents, but after I’ve smashed my racket into pieces and crushed the ball in my hands, the netting is the next target. I think there’s a cathartic feeling to getting my fingers in the holes and then tearing it apart.

The club eventually decided that I was costing them a fortune in new tennis netting and…let me go. They had a lot more patience with me than I would. Now our next lesson is apparently going to be simulating the process of losing a tennis game via hypnosis, after which I’ll be presented with some good quality sports netting (to give the whole exercise some weight). I just have to…use my lessons. Use what I’ve learned, and resist. Resist, Samantha, GET A GRIP. ON YOURSELF, NOT THE NETTING.