Competition is fierce for the position of official hair stylist to the Olympic team, but I think I have what it takes. See, what people don’t realise is that hair is everything when presenting yourself to the world. Imagine our Olympic team walking out there in the opening ceremony, waving our flag to declare their country of origin, and their hair is a mess.

The shame! The humiliation! Just take a look back at all the old opening ceremonies and see how wonderful everyone’s hair is. That didn’t happen by accident; there has always been a qualified hairdresser working behind the scenes, going unacknowledged.

Typically, this role is given to the very best hairdresser in Melbourne, a coveted role that sees them return as a conquering hero, regardless of how well the teams actually do. Still, it’s not like they don’t earn it. It’s a tough series of trials, ones that test your hairdressing talents to the absolute limit. There was a poor girl in the run up to the Beijing Olympics way back in 2008, from a hair salon in St Davids Place. Obviously she no longer works there…or anywhere, because the trials to become the official Olympic hairdresser were too intense. This is THE biggest international event in all the world, besides perhaps the international leaders’ meetings like the G8 summits. But politicians basically have all the same haircuts, so whatever. Athletes have much more interesting styles.

And those styles don’t end with the opening ceremony, either. Can’t have people going out for their events with bird’s nests on their heads. That, also, would tarnish their reputation.

Whichever hair salon located in Melbourne supplies the hairdresser will receive years of prestige, if only within the industry and not with clients. But we’re a tight-knit community. When there’s one hairdresser who stands above them all, whose work is displayed in front of billions of viewers…everyone knows who they are.